senioritis vs. realworldaphobia

back in good ol' sf (for a few days at least). unfortunately i seem to have brought back a head cold from ny (along with numerous souveniers and countless memories), and the stuffiness is driving me crazy. i'm glad i don't have allergies, or i think i would seriously consider suicide every spring. i've been downing sudafed and willing it to go away. i'm also feeling a) a little grumpy about going back to school and b) denialistic (a word i just made up - say it out loud, it sounds even better than it looks) terror about what's going to happen after i'm done with school. at the moment i'm indulging in the mental equivalent of the sticking-your-fingers-in-your-ears-and-going-"lalalalala, i can't hear you" routine, but that's not going to fly for much longer, especially if want to do something besides work at peet's for the rest of my life (which i must say, after nearly five years i'm getting heartily sick of). problem is, i don't know what. anybody else want to pick a career for me? something you think i'd be good at? i feel very silly and adrift and am trying to tamp down the panic. i think part of it is that i'm extremely reluctant to limit myself. as a kid, people tell you "you can be anything you want to be," and i think that a lot of people hold on to that for as long as you can. i don't have a mission, a vision. i am not somebody who "always knew" that they wanted to be a doctor or a marine biologist or an insurance broker. i was more interested in the idea of possibility. one day i would be a future ballerina, the next a future lawyer. though the ballerina ship has definitely sailed, and i'm trying to avoid becoming a lawyer because i think it would pose some emotional and/or ideological problems for me, i still like to pretend that i could be an editor, a bookstore owner, a librarian, a little cog in a big clock, a big cog in a little clock, a thinker, a dreamer, a doer, a people person, somebody intelligent and kind and productive and efficient and helpful and knowledgeable...